How To Be a Better Listener in a Relationship & Marriage

Most people would say they are good listeners if questioned. But is it the case? Consider your most recent chat with your partner. Who or what were you?

Were you concurrently watching television? Are you perusing your social media feeds? Are you washing the dishes? Is a game being played?

We can all improve our listening skills, regardless of how excellent we believe we are at them already. To ensure our partners feel heard and understood, we can always strive to improve. We can temporarily put them at the center of our attention and ensure that they feel they are receiving the necessary care.

How to Become a Better Listener

We can all become better listeners in our relationships, whether we are already good listeners or realize we have a long way to go in that area. So, without further ado, here are some crucial pointers you may utilize to improve your listening skills in your marriage or relationship.

1. Pay Attention to Body Language

This specific piece of advice now applies to both your own and your partner’s body language. To better comprehend your partner’s sentiments, it is vital to pay attention to how they are sitting and what their body language is conveying.

You want to ensure your partner can see you are paying attention to them using your body language. For instance, I won’t feel listened to if I’m talking to my spouse about something that has upset me, and they look away from me and around the room at other things. You want to convey to your spouse that you value their opinions and are concerned about their needs.

To accomplish this, make sure you are facing your partner with your body and staring at them. Leaning forward can also demonstrate that you are paying attention to what they are saying – imagine a young child listening to a story; when engaged, they move closer to the speaker.

2. Listen to Learn (Not Reply)

While debate classes in school could encourage us to engage in stimulating discussions examining many issues and viewpoints, doing so could harm our overall well-being. In a debate, you don’t listen to your “opponent” so much as you watch for opportunities to introduce your point of view.

When you’re speaking with your spouse, this is a terrible habit to get into. Focus on listening to your spouse to understand them rather than just hearing what they say to support themselves.

Finding out more about our discussion partners is the nicest part of doing so. Therefore, the next time you speak with your spouse, pay close attention so you can better comprehend their viewpoint without trying to refute it.

3. Focus on the Speaker

You have to truly listen if you want to be a good listener. That’s a big surprise, but it’s more complex than people realize. To truly listen to someone, you must put all of your attention on them and what they are saying.

This may be tremendously challenging for many of us, especially those who were raised doing many tasks at once. However, showing your spouse that you are giving them your whole attention while listening to them will rapidly elevate your reputation as the world’s best listener.

Be present and able to listen to each other. The next time you and your spouse converse, turn off the TV and silence your phone.

4. Paraphrase to Acknowledge Your Partner’s Feelings

Paraphrasing is very helpful for reassuring your spouse that you are paying attention and genuinely understanding them.

Paraphrasing your partner’s worries also assures them that you understand what they are trying to communicate and are not misrepresenting or misunderstanding things, which can help prevent more arguments.

You may paraphrase to ensure you comprehend your partner’s words and sentiments. However, it’s crucial to use paraphrase only as a starting point.

Make sure you take the time to add your thoughts after you’ve rephrased your partner’s sentiments or words; doing so prevents them from feeling like they’re speaking to a parrot.

5. Listening Does Not Mean Problem-Solving

The difficulty of listening is immense. Many believe we must address a partner’s problem as soon as it is brought up. Being a good listener pauses problem-solving, even though we should frequently work with our spouse to solve any worries or difficulties.

Sometimes, our partners want to be heard and recognized by their partners; they don’t always need anything “fixed.” Therefore, please pay attention to what your spouse says when you talk to them; issue-solving may be done afterward and together.

6. Listen Without Judgment

Okay, it might be hard to entirely suspend judgment, especially if you are listening to your spouse criticize you or something you did. To get our partners’ attention off of us, many of us may feel the need to defend ourselves or bring up our worries.

Being unresponsive in this way is not listening well. Encourage your spouse to use “I” words instead of defending yourself or taking the initiative. This quickly removes much of the perceived blame and lets you both concentrate on your partner’s feelings.

• An illustration of an “I” statement as opposed to a “you” statement might look like this:
• I constantly feel like I need to tidy up messes around the house and do the dishes.
  You never clean up messes around the house or wash any dishes.

This small distinction may make it so much simpler to discuss your partner’s issues without making them feel attacked.

7. Empathize with Your Partner

Okay, so if you don’t want to listen to your spouse, none of the advice above will help. And by truly listening to them, we don’t just mean waiting for an opportunity to disagree.

To be a genuinely effective listener, you must actively seek to comprehend your partner’s point of view and hear what they have to say.

This can be pretty challenging, particularly if you need to protect yourself. However, to genuinely grasp your partner’s perspective and feelings, you must empathize with them.

8. Talk to a Therapist

In addition to offering additional and more individualized tactics to help you become a better listener in your particular relationship, a licensed therapist can be a tremendous resource for you as you work through the advice above.

As a result, if you are the only one trying to improve, speaking with a therapist can also help you find ways to talk to your partner about your concerns. It is crucial to remember that good communication is a two-way street where both relationship members need to practice good listening skills.

For partners or spouses who wish to develop improved communication patterns, couples counseling is a fantastic solution.

Therefore, don’t hesitate to contact us at Love Heal Grow if you need any more individual help to sharpen your listening skills, if you and your partner want some advice on how to communicate more effectively, or if you just have a few questions you’d like to discuss. We can improve our listening skills; sometimes, seeking outside advice is the most effective.

9. Making assumptions might not help

Orbuch uses the term “perception checking.” You want to be certain that you comprehend what your spouse said and how they feel.

For instance, according to Orbuch, when your spouse is delighted or agitated, you can assume they are upset with you.

Consider saying, “Did I hear you’re feeling XYZ with me because of how I acted at the Christmas party?” Your speaker will then be able to elaborate on the conversation’s emotional content.

10. Debaters aren’t invited

Engagement is more than just providing a rejoinder or arguing your position in response to your partner’s words.

Stopping the argument in your thoughts and focusing on the listener is essential to active listening.

According to Susan Heitler, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Denver and author of the book “The Power of Two: Secrets of a Strong & Loving Marriage,” “debaters listen to show that they’re right and the other is wrong.”

How can you tell if you are a good listener or a debater? According to Heitler, the first person typically responds with “Yes, but” or “I know, but…” She continues, “You may even say a silent but by ending the discussion.”

The phrase “quiet but” refers to poisonous attitudes like apathy or silent treatment.

Robert Solley, Ph. D., a clinical psychologist who focuses on couples counseling in San Francisco, says that to truly understand what the speaker is saying, the listener must suppress their own emotions and interpretations.

11. Tune Out Distractions

Although this advice on listening may seem obvious, it is crucial and something many of us find difficult. You can do several things in advance to better prepare yourself for attentive listening, such as turning your phone off, shutting off any background-playing music, television, or other gadgets, or, if you’re out in public, finding a quieter location.

Do this attention trick: mirror the person speaking. Try this if you find it difficult to concentrate during a discussion, even when there are no outside distractions.

It works because it gives your body something to do while listening. This helps you show the speaker that you’re engaged in the conversation but also helps you stay focused on the words they are saying. This involves mirroring the hand and body movements and facial expressions of the person you’re listening to.

12. Give Positive Feedback

No, this does not imply that you concur with everything being said, but rather that you are actively using verbal and nonverbal cues to show the speaker that you are paying attention to what they have to say.

Like the mirroring technique discussed above, various nonverbal and vocal signals may be used to demonstrate active listening, such as keeping eye contact, making minor head movements like nodding or turning, and uttering sounds like “hmmm” or a soft “tsk” with your lips.

Again, this is all to show that you are paying attention to what your partner is saying, but don’t let your compliments become a diversion in and of themselves! If you’ve been with someone for a while, you can tell when they’re listening and when they aren’t. Therefore, effective listening skills are crucial for respectful communication in marriage and other committed partnerships.

13. Leave the Assumptions Behind

We all bring our presumptions to the conversation, but if we want to improve our listening skills in interpersonal interactions, we need to be conscious of when we do so. Common presumptions include the notion that you already know what the other person wants to say, why they want to say it, and even what they “truly” want to say, even if they aren’t expressing it out loud.

Whew. There are a tonne of assumptions there!

These assumptions have a few problems, but the biggest one is that even if we knew someone inside and out, we wouldn’t know precisely what they wanted to say to us, and it would be rude to presume that we did! We do not live in each other’s thoughts, hearts, or bodies!

Assumptions hinder effective listening in relationships because they allow us to filter the speaker’s words by assuming that we already know everything they will say, preventing us from hearing their actual words. Instead of making assumptions, pay attention to what is being stated.

14. Aim for Understanding

Checking presumptions at the door and aiming for comprehension in a discussion is the ideal transition that puts us in a position to hear what is being said genuinely. Develop a curious mentality to do this. If you are interested in hearing what the other person has to say (instead of thinking you already know!), you will be working toward understanding.

Because you remember every shared encounter you’ve ever had, listening in relationships might be a little more complex than listening to strangers. This is because listening can affect both what you hear during the discussion and what you think.

Remember that you shouldn’t practice your replies while the other person is speaking in a discussion. To keep you focused on listening rather than replying, develop an interest in what the other person has to say so you can comprehend what they are trying to communicate. This is crucial to learn to listen well in a relationship.

15. Look for Nonverbal Cues

Since much of what we say to each other is expressed through nonverbal clues, paying attention to them is an excellent approach to active listening in relationships. Knowing that someone is likely already in an aggressive or defensive state if they start with their hands on their hips or their arms crossed in front of them can offer a strong communication tip.

It’s crucial to be aware of your nonverbal clues and the nonverbal signs of the person you are listening to. Mirroring, previously described as a strategy to keep focused on the topic, is also a great way to show the person speaking that you are wholly involved in the conversation and paying attention to what they are saying.

16. Don’t Debate Someone’s Experience

This is one of the most essential pieces of advice for listening in relationships because it is usually inappropriate to disagree with someone even if you have a different perception of the event. At the same time, they share their point of view.

Choose your words carefully, emphasizing utilizing “I” language, such as “I had a different experience during X since what I observed was…” if the scenario calls for it. It is also advisable if the speaker will benefit from hearing about your experience or lacks knowledge.

Everyone has a right to their perspective. Therefore, you shouldn’t outright disagree with someone’s experience, but you can respond with your own if it is beneficial or essential. Everyone in a relationship should feel secure enough to share their point of view openly, and this can only happen if we don’t fear that our spouse will criticize us for being “wrong.”

Remembering that emotions are just that—emotions—and that they are neither objective nor definable as “right” or “wrong” might assist. As a result, listening in relationships should entail respecting your partner’s emotions, even if you disagree with them,

17. Pick a Good Time to Talk

It’s not always possible to do this, but if you know someone who wants to talk to you about anything, choose a time when you can give your complete attention to the conversation. We don’t always have the luxury of choosing when to discuss relationships. Still, if you can avoid unavoidable distractions, such as when you’re hungry before lunch or pressed for time to get out the door, you’ll be much better prepared to give the conversation your full attention.

How to become an effective speaker – How To Be a Better Listener

Sticking to one issue

You could have a few topics to discuss, but if they are unconnected, you might want to take them one at a time.

Avoid “kitchen sinking,” which, according to Orbuch, brings up all your issues or worries.

According to Orbuch, concentrating on one subject allows “your spouse to clearly respond to an issue and find out how to improve.” However, a spouse sinking in the kitchen is “boxed in, and they don’t know where to go.”

Using “I” statements

When a speaker says “you,” the listener could become defensive and stop paying attention.

Consider expressing, “I feel uncomfortable when you do that,” instead of, “You’re so rude to me.”

Using X, Y, and Z statements

This entails highlighting a behavior (X), in a specific circumstance (Y), and expressing how it makes you feel (Z).

When you do this in the discussion, your spouse may be able to name a situation, comprehend your feelings, and know what to do.

Say to your partner, “I get irritated and disappointed when you don’t say ‘hello’ to my mom every time she comes over.” They now understand how significant it is for you to greet your mother.

Why good listening is so important

It may seem obvious, but the secret to effective communication is to be a great listener rather than just a good talker. Effective communication is a critical skill that all couples must master.

By practicing good listening skills, we may better understand one another, feel more kinship and connection, and ultimately prevent unneeded conflict. Additionally, it enables us to deal with conflict more skillfully when it eventually emerges.

Paraphrase and Summarize Back

You’ll become a much better relationship listener if you can master this technique, which is yet another crucial active listening strategy. Paraphrasing is the act of repeating back what was said in your own words, while summarising is the act of reviewing what was stated.

When you can reflect on what you hear back to them during the conversation, the speaker is reassured that you are hearing them. They can also explain any topics that you might not have understood completely. This is one of the relationship listening techniques that can stop misunderstandings and future arguments.

These relationship listening ideas should be useful whether you’re trying to improve your listening skills in a personal or professional setting.